This post was written by Tim O’Sullivan, MA, chaplain, Parkview Cancer Institute.
When I opened the mail that December afternoon, mixed among the bills and advertisements was a Christmas card. It was from our friends, Troy and Sarah.
Just six months earlier, with only seven days until her due date, Sarah sensed that something had changed. She thought that the baby, whom they had already named Josiah, had just moved into place for the impending birth. Surely, her doctor would confirm this transition in her checkup the next day. However, labor came early that night and Sarah and Troy sped to the hospital for the big occasion.
When they arrived at the hospital, Troy called both sets of grandparents while the labor and delivery nurses started attending to Sarah. They both were so excited, and a little afraid, as this was their first baby. Within a few minutes, but what seemed like an eternity, their anticipation was turning into panic. The care team could not find Josiah’s heartbeat.
Troy and Sarah prayed that this was just a glitch, or that their little guy was just being bashful. But soon it was clear that something was wrong. Even as they remember the day, the details of whom, how and when were unclear, but at some point, somebody sat down next to Sarah’s bed, grabbed her hand and said, “I’m sorry, your baby is gone.”
Later that day, Sarah delivered her beautiful stillborn baby boy, Josiah. They held him, and kissed him, and spent as much time as possible memorizing every detail of his face. Later that week, they found a nearby place for him to rest and said their goodbyes, for now.
I opened the envelope from Troy and Sarah and inside it was one of those family Christmas photo cards. Troy was behind Sarah with his arms wrapped around her and behind them both stood a beautiful Christmas tree with all the trimmings. As I continued to scan the picture my eyes were quickly drawn to a shiny object in Sarah’s hands. It was a silver baby’s rattle. Of course, I thought. How could this couple share a Christmas photo without including their beloved Josiah? What a beautiful way to honor and remember this precious life.
The greeting scrolled across the top of the card were the words, “Let Heaven and Earth Adore Him.” My mind swelled with the many meanings that this phrase might have held for this young couple. I was thankful in that moment that Sarah and Troy had chosen to share his memory with us by sending this beautiful card.
The blessings, however, didn’t end there. Every following year, Sarah and Troy sent us a Christmas photo, and the silver rattle – the emblem of Josiah’s short but meaningful life – was included. For a couple of years, Sarah kept hold of this treasure. Then, eventually, each one of their three living children had their turn with the rattle. In later years, it was prominently placed on the fireplace mantle or under the tree, but it was never forgotten.
This changed the way that I looked at every Christmas card I received. I began to think about the changes that had taken place in the families of my friends and dearest loved ones. I thought about the new faces in each photo as well as the ones that were no longer there. It reminded me that among the many joys of the season, there are sorrows as well. These cards taught me a few things about the holidays and those who have lost a loved one.
The holidays should not be avoided; however, they should also not be overwhelming. If possible, use these days to commemorate the life of the person who died. If adorning your home with decorations and lights is a meaningful way of honoring your loved one, then do it. If you don’t feel like decorating much this year, make visible a keepsake (your “silver rattle”) that will remind you of the one you treasure. Talking about lost loved ones during the holidays is not only allowed, it can be appreciated by others. It is not uncommon for people to set aside time during the holidays for a formal recognition of the grief associated with loved ones who have died.
For those who are missing no one from their Christmas pictures this year, be thankful. Remember to be kind to those who have endured a death in recent days. Make of your heart a safe place for their memories and their longing and allow them to express the pain of their loss. Do all of this in love, with the understanding that they may be your safe place to grieve in years to come.
For those who are missing loved ones from their Christmas pictures this year, take heart. The hallmark of the Christmas season is choosing to remember… remembering the gift that one life can be to the world and remembering the gift that our departed loved ones were and will continue to be. Look for the deeper things in every Christmas card. And find hope in this… no one is ever lost who is remembered.